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redline6561's Friends
teelakallisto |
9th July, 2009. 12:14 am. A Wednesday night and Thursday morning marked by irritation
If I were a religious person, here would be my bent-knee speech:
Dear Lord,
While an ignorant and at times arrogant person I am non the less able to feel the consequences of my actions many time more than I feel justify any negative actions. I have wronged, but at the same time, have I not also done right by myself, my friends, families and strangers? How can I be in a situation so emotionally and spiritually negative and encompassed by such weighty darkness that it not only takes me down a dark path, but all those associated with me?
I feel as though I am being constantly punished for doing what is correct for me and wanted by others for me because they are not in the complete best interest of my Mother. I can not deliver what she wants (a 24/7 partner, constant company and source of security and happiness) or needs (a psychological review, intense grief therapy and lots of anti-depressants) right now, or ever.
But I KNOW in my HEART and my higher self conscious that it is not my place or responsibility to take either roll as my own obligation and goal. I am supposed to reach my own potential, and that can not be done holding her hand for her comfort (for it certainly is not for my own).
Am I a bad person for seeing this roll reversal as something of a hinderance rather than a sign of my coming into an era of self-sufficiency? Am I wrong in believing that despite the gloomy circumstances we both face that I have become better, stronger and more logical even if I have become detached and not as emotionally reactive?
Its odd, but I am realizing that the differences between my Mother and I only grow more stark and defined as this period of close quarters draws out. I feel at odds with her on levels that never before existed! I don't eat the same way, walk the same way, perceive signifigance and values the same nor even though the same process! How are we getting MORE and MORE different as our proximity gets closer and closer? It is forced proximity and contact to be sure, so am I rebelling even subconsciously against being put in this situation? I don't feel as though I have changed. I don't feel as though my nature has made any variations in my personal preferences and tendencies, but they are causing more and more friction with hers!
67 days and I am gone, but I feel as though each day I awake to a lost battle, but a war with a designated ending. Its frusterating, confusing and just irksome to the extreme. I have NO 'Devon' time as of late sans when I am at the Karate School, my salvation. I stay there doing odd jobs off the clock simply to avoid going home. I hate going home.
No one should dread returning to a place where they are supposed to and are due to have peace, security and mental/physical/spritual 'reboot' time. I never awake feeling refreshed.
My balance is completely off. Because of our relationship right now I am looking at all my memories of her in the past and questioning who was the real Carol, who is my Mom truly when right now she is SO different (in a negative and defeated way) then the women I was raised by. This throws me off because any doubt makes my mind and spirit conflict. Normally I 'know' something is true when it is real, but now 'real' is falling into question, and it has thrown off ALL my other systems.
My body is not telling me what it wants and needs, I am playing a nutritional guessing game because I have not had any cravings or particular wants which I have ALWAYS had and NEED since my diet is so bad to begin with, at least I knew when something was really needed like sugar, meat, calcium or potassium. My mind is just stalled on the interstate of the streaming consciousness and failing in every way to comprehend time and the natural balance that was once effortless and perfectly integrated into my being. My sprit is dull and weary, like I have not slept in months and it has been sleep walking when my body is catatonic for a few hours a day. I lost my fire, my temper and poise, not because they do not exist, but because they are inhibited by negativity elsewhere in my life.
So, Lord, should you see my suffering as just, then I only hope that eventually I see the brilliance of bestowing balance in my life when I am not able to myself. However if you see what I feel, please aid me by providing me the peace and conditions in which I can re-establish my natural order, balance and solitude. I am defeated by something I can not see or reason with, two traits that have always enabled me to overcome in the past.
From, someone who realizes that while humans may simply rot in the ground after death, while alive they have a spark of life that connects them to more than each other.
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bushidobrown |
6th July, 2009. 5:34 am.
5:36am, you can go fuck yourself.
Today I am going to learn how to frame a few photos. Then I will have tea with Ana, who has just returned from volunteer stuff in Zimbabwe. And then I will consider how to best construct a kite.
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dongerz |
4th July, 2009. 9:42 am. The Essence of the American Ideal (A 4th of July Reflection)
 
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
(Text in White by Garrison Keillor) WHEN I THINK OF KINDNESS I THINK ABOUT MY AUNTS WHO LOOKED OUT FOR NEGLECTED KIDS, FOR THE RUNTS AND THE ORPHANS AND THE ODD DUCKS AND BESTOWED FAVORS ON THEM. THESE AUNTS OF MINE EXTENDED THEMSELVES TO STRANGERS.
We are all in this together.
THEIR HEARTS WENT OUT TO THE LONELY AND THE GRIEVING. THEY DID NOT LET SHYNESS GET IN THE WAY OF CHARITY. THEY DID NOT PERMIT BULLIES TO TROMP AROUND UNIMPEDED. THEY ABHORED CRUELTY. IT OFFENDED THEM DEEPLY. THAT SPIRIT RUNS DEEP IN THIS COUNTRY, I DO BELIEVE. GREAT EMPIRES RISE AND FALL. THE FAMOUS COME AND GO. CITIES BOOM AND THEN THEY LANGUISH. BUT KINDESS IS A CONSTANT PRESENCE IN AMERICA.
The U.S. Constitution is the legal
embodiment of ethic's Golden Rule.
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bushidobrown |
4th July, 2009. 9:46 am.
Last night was awesome.
This huge block party, all organized by a handful of punk kids, with an inflatable pool, bouncy castle, and slip n' slide. Sex on grass with fireworks above us. A million bands. Skinny dipping with a gaggle of Russian crust punks.
I love summer in Atlanta.
Tonight is house shows, more cook-outs, and something else I'm forgetting.
Tomorrow I'm taking pictures of a chocolate Labrador.
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bushidobrown |
3rd July, 2009. 3:01 pm.
I'm trying to take the time to make friends with people right now. It's hard. You forget how much of a process friendship can be. I've been meeting huge numbers of great people over these last few months, and we're friends on Facebook, and we say "hey" and talk about our projects when we meet around town... but we don't argue with each other, we don't laugh at private jokes, and the silences are uncomfortable.
So lately I've been really making an effort to connect with the people who interest me; I stay through the superficial part of the conversation, I try and build a lasting connection, a shared picture of who both myself and the person I'm talking to are.
Unrelated, here is a picture of me taking a picture, photographed by ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) scary_mary , who is mysterious.
Please pay special attention to my massively gnarled knee muscles. If my body was a brick house, 80% of the bricks would be in my knees and 10% would be in my calves. If I got in a kicking contest with a mule, I would win.
Recognize.
PS: I heard a person using the phrase "REAL TALK" in a conversation the other day. They weren't being ironic. I was terribly impressed.
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bushidobrown |
3rd July, 2009. 4:10 am.
Man, getting digitz always makes me feel awesome. Especially tonight, when I borrowed a special caligraphy pen from a friend in order to scribe digits on my arm. I am going to forget to bring my pen everywhere from now on.
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awake.
tired.